isthis4real's Cancer Blog

Just found this.. hope you are still out there Never have blogged before so don’t know if this will work, but I just feel at the end of my rope and I can hear the knife cutting into my last knot. I’m sure exhaustion and disappointment are in control just now. My husband of just 5 years last Saturday was diagnosed with GBM of both frontal lobes last August 11. He has been in and out of hospital, had radiation, experienced seizures and blood clot, but amazingly is still alive and stable. Tumor is inoperable, started deep inside middle of brain. He just finished his 6th round of Temodar. Tolerates it very well, no nausea, is presently on generic decadron, 10 mg spread over the day. Seizures and blood clot in check with dilantin and generic coumadin.

I miss him so much, he was a brilliant man, vital, full of energy and there was nothing he would not tackle. Considering the size and location of his tumor, he does amazingly well, but it is just sometimes so awful living with a stranger in my husband’s body. He is completely dependent on me although he does get around pretty well with a cane and/or walker. We live just day to day and I have ceased to worry about how the house looks or whether the dishes or laundry are done up. I do the best I can to keep things going. We live in a huge Victorian home which I love, but we can no longer afford. I have been selling antiques, having yard sales, doing whatever to bring in enough to keep our heads above water. We have one of those ARM mortgages whose rate is going up every six months, and I just got turned down today for a refinance. It seems so completely unfair to lose the love of my life and also not be able to live in our home at least for the rest of his life. At this point, I don’t know whether that will be 2 months or 2 years. He has already lived way past his original prognosis, of which I am so grateful, but sometimes not having any financial security just panics me.
I’m very lucky to have a wonderful support system. Without them I would have caved in long ago. I have learned to ask for help, something very new for me. And my faith in God is stronger than it has ever been. I know He put me in my Charlie’s life to help him through this journey, and I wouldn’t trade any of the days I’ve had with him, even the ones since he got sick. We do not have that wonderful chemistry and comraderie that we enjoyed in the past, but the thought of not being able to touch his cheek or hold his hand is still unthinkable. I try not to go there or ask why me because none of that thinking helps Charlie or me. Thanks for listening, it helps to get all this stuff out. I never knew I had so many tears, but they keep me sane to face another day.

Posted on July 27, 2007 at 2:41:28 AM by bbmusic

I was sad to hear that this illness has touched you and your family.
We are here to listen and support you in any way we can.

I am sending all my prays to you and yours.

Sherri

Posted on July 27, 2007 at 11:29:45 PM by karlak